but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Randomize
