He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Drake has all the answers
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
