every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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