Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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