We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
