I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
