The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
