I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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