Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The Olympian is in my bed
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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