All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We left an ass print on the piano.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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