Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
