Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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