I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
