he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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