You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
