she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
