some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
