I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
