Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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