Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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