just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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