this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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