he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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