I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
How does one acquire holy water?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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