My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You can't just leave with hair like that
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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