If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Watching her eat just hurts me
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
where are my eyebrows?
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