so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
