That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You've changed since you got that strap on
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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