hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
