Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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