Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
