my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
