Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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