You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
