What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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