I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
