Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
