I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And then the night went full on bisexual.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
