Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
