remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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