I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Still dying that you shit outside
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
