Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
