mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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