I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
