my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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