idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
