I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I will pee on everything he values.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
