You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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