Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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