Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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