note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have tasted many bathrooms
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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